New apartment and sushi

Wednesday I moved into a half house share with a girl who was already living here but her housemate left. I found the place on Craigslist. The girl is really nice and made me a welcome sign on my door.

But this is just temporary, for the month of December. For the long term I'm looking at a furnished studio apartment in Ninigret Park.

I'm kind of excited about moving again next month. I'll be surrounded by hiking and biking trails, the ocean, and three large fresh water ponds. There's actually a small commune of people each renting out single rooms in what happens to be a refurbished motel, and I'm going to look at one of those rooms next week. It would be affordable, furnished, and highly therapeutic.

I'm only juicing a few mornings each week. I've been drinking the glowing green smoothie everyday for two weeks though, and that is made in the blender.

I've been seriously pigging out in the mid-afternoons and late evenings, mostly on candy and chocolate. It has been wonderful. I can maintain my weight-loss when I drink the glowing green smoothie all day in place of breakfast and lunch. I can afford a mid-afternoon snack and pig out for dinner (within reason). My mental energy is high, and I feel good all day when I'm avoiding crap food in general. I also bought a pro-biotic supplement at the health food store, to help digest my evening pig-out meals.

Some sad news. My weekly evening cravings for tofu green curry have disappeared completely. That dish and I go way back to '07. I am sad to see it go, but also relieved.

I have a new weekly craving in its place however:

Now I crave seaweed salad and sushi. I particularly like cramming a giant wad of wasabi into the center of a piece of sushi, then layering it with several pieces of ginger, and finally soaking the sushi in a bowl full of low sodium soy sauce for a minute. I use chopsticks. Words can't describe the explosion of sensations inside my mouth and mind and body when I chew down into the roll. I get the same face sweat action as with the green curry at the Thai restaurant, but at a Japanese Hibachi bar instead. I also love huge pieces of raw fish inside my mouth. Maybe in a past lifetime I was a wicket horny lesbian. The texture and flavor of raw fish to me is just wildly orgasmic. The thought of it makes me moist. My mouth that is. And my twat. It turns me into a little bunny.

I got a check for $477.53 from Geico from a scratch someone put on my car. It was awesome! I was praying about coming up with a security deposit for my next apartment, and then this check came. I wasn't even going to make the claim. But the person who hit my car did the right thing anyways and reported it. If you're out there, person who hit my car, thank you, and I'm sorry. I heart you.

I meant to write a blog on forgiveness this week, but having seen every episode of Oprah while growing up, and watching TedX talks on YouTube about forgiveness all this week, and reflecting on the Bible - I still don't know the first thing about forgiveness. All I arrived at in my searching, was that I have to do it because God says so. God probably thinks I could use a lesson in obedience and submissiveness anyway. I also figured out that I have to decide to forgive every morning I wake up. And I've been doing that successfully most of this week. At least when I die I can tell God in good conscience, I tried to forgive.

God also knows that I live in a nice little place called denial 90% of the time, which is probably why my life is the way it is, but I escaped into the great big world of reality recently. I want to blame the juice fast for this, but fasting is just a tool to remove the blinders. Blatant sober reality without any perks or fixes completely bares a person's soul to themselves. It's just so painful and ugly and meaningless, in the Sylvia Plath sense. I've shared some of that darkness with the world as opposed to letting my light shine. So naturally the vicious cycle continues, and I concur that I'm a horrible person, and thus do more horrible things, unless I snap out of it, and remember God loves me in spite of my sins, and took action to forgive me, so maybe I should forgive myself as well.

There. That said, I really enjoyed having hard ciders and nachos with my new housemate and her friends last night. One of my own friends came over with additional snacks, and just those couple hours of good food and conversation, with the distraction of the television, and some alcohol to boot, really swept me away from the robotic undertakings of the day. I mean, a person needs to live! Not just stay alive, but live and be happy. I'm going to fall short of my ideals for myself everyday, so I may as well get used to it now. I'm 31 years old. I'm never going to have a perfect day. Everyday I'll catch myself indulging in something I shouldn't be indulging in, or saying something I shouldn't be saying, or buying something I shouldn't be buying, or thinking something I shouldn't be thinking. I have to be okay with that. Maybe in acknowledging my own need for self-forgiveness, I can grow in my capacity to forgive others.