I have some explaining to do about Day 21. It was a Sunday, and I woke up well-rested from the extra hour of sleep from daylight savings. As soon as I woke up, I felt I should read my bible, since I'd be going to an 11:00 church service. But I didn't read my bible. I went on FaceBook and also wrote a blog, and I said some very mean and immature things. I was feeling lofty in my own way of thinking about juicing and overall health.
After blogging I showered and made a carrot/apple/ginger juice and drove straight to church, only to get there an hour late, because the church meets at 10:00 instead of 11:00 on the first Sunday of each month. I didn't realize this because I just started attending a few weeks ago.
I missed the music and got there just in time for the sermon. It was strictly about loving one another, and a guest preacher read from the book of James. After the service I went to a music studio a few miles down the road where I've been working on a music album. I'd cancelled my new violinist because I couldn't afford her, and just used the session for vocal takes. I had a great session, and felt high on life: singing and juicing and my changing body and renewed energy and church and the beautiful sunny day it was.
After my recording session, I drove to Providence to meet my friend Fred. The first thing out of his mouth when I got there was about all the ruckus I'd caused with my blog. For the first time all day, I recalled the hurtful things I said at the end of the blog, and after driving around Providence with Fred for an hour and talking about history and neighborhoods and politics, I dropped Fred off and whizzed home to delete my "fat people are gross" commentary. I haven't even logged into FaceBook to see what I stirred up, but to whomever I insulted or hurt with my comments, I am truly sorry.
I don't mean to pick on fat people as if there is one stereotypical fat person. There are skinny fat people too. I should have said unhealthy. An unhealthy lifestyle does gross things to an unhealthy person's body. I need to be more sensitive about how I say things. I didn't even realize people read or cared about my blog. I figured the five or so hits a day I get on blogger are my mom, my aunt, Fred, and a couple other random people. Whatever happened on FaceBook Sunday, it caused me to get 35 hits on the blog, which I've edited as of last night.
I had a bit of a panic attack about how dumb I was. Fred said people were hurt and questioning my faith. He made it sound like I'd started WWIII. I'm so ashamed, and won't return to FB for a while. The social networking community is better off without my off kilter commentaries. I'd like to put a bag over my head. I went to bed early Sunday night, but woke up at 1:00 a.m. tossing and turning for over an hour, recalling my foolishness, then awoke again at 4:00 a.m. and drifted in and out of shallow sleep until my alarm went off at 5:30 and I woke up to a case of the Mondays.
Today, Monday, Day 22, I walked through my shame all day. I read the books of James, First and Second Peter, and First John while at work. Everything was about loving one another, just like yesterday's Sunday sermon. I've completely missed the mark. I also read today about Bio-Individuality (Roger Williams, 1956), a well proven theory that everyone's digestive system is unique. Everyone responds in a uniquely different way to various foods. There is no one perfect diet for everybody. What works for me isn't going to work for everyone else. And vice versa. A person's blood type can help determine what kind of diet his/her ancestors ate, and what foods he/she may or may not digest efficiently. So in a nutshell, I really have no place telling people what they should or should not eat. The best thing I can do is read the research and experiment on my own body to see what works for me.
In addition to reading the bible and the theory of Bio-Individuality today, I also binged on junk food. I was so disgusted with myself. I'm gross. I juiced in the morning, then ate a salad for lunch, then snacked on pistachios, 3 Oreo cookies, 1 chocolate truffle double-dipped in cream cheese, several peanut butter pretzel sandwiches dipped in cream cheese, a couple handfuls of apple chips and mango chips and yogurt covered raisins, a granola bar, and even a couple bites of the 3-year-old's macaroni and cheese, as well as two tootsie rolls from the older sisters' Halloween candy stash.
I got done work at 5:45 p.m. and went straight to Yoga. I feel a little better now but still hugely disappointed in myself. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day.
No comments:
Post a Comment