A phone call with Fred

(Drafted October 2015)


It's a Saturday. Fred just texted asking if he could call. I replied sure.

"I'm walking down a street, don't even know where I am. I don't know what's what. What, man? Whaaaaaaat?"

I tell him the assistant principal at my school gave me a dirty look for my halloween costume yesterday.

"Betcha she smells like an oily fish."

I tell him it's okay, she didn't say anything so that means I got away with it. Fred starts talking about his girlfriend. I think he's starting to accept her.

"So she wants to watch movies last night, like every night, and these things, in the movie last night, when the ice melted, these things are eating your eyes."

"When what ice melted, what do you mean?" I ask.

"In the movie. Stupid movie. Hundreds of people died, the town was being destroyed by these things. The people with the right technology hid and saved themselves. Through the whole movie they kept trying to shoot them with guns. It didn't work. At the end, finally, this guy is driving a tractor trailer, puts bait on the back of it, gets the monster to chase him, and when the monster grabs the bait, the truck goes off a ledge, and somehow lands alright, but lands on top of the monster and it exploded the monster. The truck driver though, he drives off. He saved everyone, gets the girl, everybody's happy. So that was a three hour or something movie I think. There were a couple of pretty women in there that kept it tolerable. I guess. One girl who was a virgin at the beginning of the movie stayed a virgin the whole way through. So there was something for everybody."

"My dad watches lifetime movies with my mom," I say.

"Yeah it wasn't so bad. It's just life. It eats me. I need to find a way to unfuck myself. The days just suck ass. I mean she was talking about dinner at noon. My only peace is taking a walk. I made friends with a cop this morning. They were digging a gas light and I walked up to the cop and showed him my lighter and said "whaddya think? should I do it?" He just laughed. I think he was a little nervous but I talked to him. He realized I wasn't gonna hurt a damn fly. I told him I was from Riverside, RI where real people lived. He got a little worked up over that. Real people. He's from Taunton where nobody's breathing. Busted his balls. But he took it like a man."

"That's good. You probably entertained him."

"Kinda worked. He had to get back to work and I kept on walking. Some of the best scenery of the state in this hell whole, I tell ya. There's this abandoned storefront that makes this city look like nothing, then I'm in the cemetery and I'm looking at mush, and a wetland, and a mountain somewhere too far away, and there's some birch trees, where you know its gonna get icy cold."

"Where is Taunton?" I ask.

"Remember we took that drive past Bobby A's that one day? Down route 44?"

"Yes," I lie.

"That's Taunton, that's where I'm living now. It's a long ride. Out to no-man's land. Worse than Tupper really. It's like I'm out at the edge of the earth right now. A lot of black people moved out here and they're happy, they're nice. One good thing I guess. They're out there and they're saying hello to me, they're decent. I talked to a black guy this morning getting a coffee at Cumbie's, and he was alright."

"That's good."

"I tried to buy chocolate today and God must really not want me happy. They're cutting a little out and charging a little more. I can't even afford to buy it anymore. Oil goes down, but chocolate has to go up? I don't get it. I'm gonna have a virtual chocolate. I'm telling you. Imagine it and put it in my mouth. Take that God. I'm not buying it. I'm still enjoying it! Hear me? Hear that!"

He makes some chewing noises and moans.

"The game's over you know? Somebody's gotta make a stand."

He reminds me of those speakers he sold on Craigslist the other day for $100.

"Didn't even get a chance to use them really. And they're gone. Idiot who bought them didn't even know he was robbing me. Thought he was doing me a favor. Asswipe."

He suddenly jumps off his soap box to tell me a bad joke.

"Should I take some boxes of cereal and stab myself with them? Cereal killer."

I laugh.

"I did walmart the other day. That was fun," he says.

"What do you mean? You parked the motorhome and slept in the parking lot?

"No, shopping. They have groceries there now too. Mostly food though, we bought. We hit every aisle though."

"Why every aisle?"

"I don't know why. I was drifting away, wondering about other things, I'm getting really good at manufacturing a mental defense, for anything, any situation, and I go shut down and say oh okay, alright. But I'm looking stuff over in the store and just distracting myself from hell, you know?

"Today I took out vinegar from under her kitchen sink and drank some. She almost freaked out when I took a sip, and she's like well don't drink that vinegar it's old. And I was like so what, it's old and in a jar and covered with a lid. It's sitting at room temperature and its vinegar and I'm drinking it. I'm telling you. She reminds me of my old man. If there was ever such a thing as a complete consumer, make that box look like what its supposed to, and she buys it. Did you see the vitamin c picture I sent you?"

He goes off on how she bought flavored vitamin c powder for him. He had asked her to buy plain vitamin c powder. "I don't even know how she found it," he said. "I'd never seen that before. The colors on the box and all the flash and nonsense. Barely even saw it said Vitamin C until after looking it over for a minute.

"I better start walking home now. She's gonna be like where have you been? And I'm gonna be like I don't know! I get up and I move!

"I'm a complicated monkey. There's no doubt about it. I don't let people off easy for one thing. They pay. Everyone knows I'm here, that's for sure.

"I need these walks. I mean, that's all I'm doing. I did start doing pushups. I'm gonna go have a smoke. I've gots ta go."

Okay, call me later if you want, I said.

"Not me. The motorhome. It's gotta go. At least the engine."

"No offers on your engine yet?" I ask.

"No not from my ad, but I talked to some guy today about wanting to tear down the RV and he seemed really interested. Started asking me about it. I tell him I'm reluctant to strip it cuz it only has 83,000 miles. But then this guy starts acting like it was old and I should strip it. What a loser. He gets talking about his cars. He's got 3 muscle cars, all fast and testosterone, not just your drive around thing. I've driven those types before. This one kicks your ass, another gives you a buzz when you press the pedal. I built one once. The red car. Remember I showed you that picture?"

"Yes," I lie.

"That thing was bolted together more than once. And before that I had a hatchback wagon, it was fast, there were 2 speeds, low and drive, but I beat up a Porche with it around town one time. Wag racing. He made it known he wanted to play and I was like You Do? And I hit it. That thing took off like a rocket and I watched this guy trying to downshift as I was beating his ass, and I look at him and he's shifting, and I'm like that's dumb, and then he acted like he was gonna pass me at the next light we stopped at. And I pushed the gas, made that noise, vroom-vroom, and I was like dude you're done. I just kept gaining and gaining after that. He finally gave up, pretended it wasn't a race after that. I bet he was angry cuz it was a wagon. Loved that thing. It had more weight in the back and it could carry my keyboards. I'd pull that wagon up at gigs to unload equipment and people would be like what the hell is that thing. They couldn't make it out, some thought an old BMW or Jaguar. But it wasn't. Just a Volvo ES 1800 wagon. But they're pretty, those wagons. They're gorgeous, just beautiful. Really clean lines and a sporty look."

"So you gonna change the clocks back tonight," I ask?

"I won't be doing it. My android phone will do it itself. She'll do her dirty microwave. God everything in her apartment is a mess. I cleaned the tub, you know, which was a mess, her bathroom sink was full of hair and I took it apart to get the pipes clean. But I laughed when she suggested Drain-o. There's some hair collected in there, and it's just a stupid ball, so just take the pipe out and get the hair the hell outa there. At first I didn't have any of my tools, and the other day I went to the RV and then the storage unit and got some tools and got what I needed but it became a real nightmare when she and her son couldn't even muster up a pair of pliers. I figured they'd have at least that. But I guess I'm a moron for assuming anything these days.

"What a joke. Nothing's going on on Halloween on a Saturday. Life keeps getting stranger all the time. I've already been thinking about what a shitty day my birthday's gonna be this time. It's looking pretty bleak. I guess I better get used to living in my skin somehow though. Life bites it."