The world is so screwed up! Up is down and left is right and good is bad and bad is AWESOME!
I was at a music festival about 10 years ago and there was a table set up in the tent where people buy bongs and stuff and these dudes at one table were offering people 50 bucks to get a chip inserted into their finger. They were testing out tracking software in humans!! It scared me but other people were in line to get their fifty bucks.
The government is trying to inject us and infiltrate our minds with all kinds of crap. People at this festival were too messed up to even probably remember having the chip implanted in them.
So sad. I realize there are wild conspiracy theories out there. But the bible's predictions of the final days are happening right now. But people are deceived. And those people may think I'm deceived. In fact, I hope they're right, and I get to live a nice long happy life, but in case that doesn't happen, I want to know I shared what was on my heart with people while there was still time.
I'm scared. I don't think it matters who the next president is. Nobody's gonna fix this country or this God-forsaken world. We are doomed.
I'm part of the mess too. I buy clothes made by Asian slave children. I buy gas at Mobil sometimes, who is a sponsor of Planned Parenthood. I waste gas letting my car run for an hour some mornings when it's really cold, or just driving around for no reason, when people's heads have been chopped off in the name of oil.
I spend money at McDonald's and put sheer crap in my body. Crap made by the young teenagers who work these jobs to buy themselves clothes and gasoline. Indentured servants worked for 7 years to own land. I worked hard in college for 6 years to rack up an $80,000 debt that with interest is over $100,000.
I make barely $40,000/year, and a third of that goes to taxes, health insurance, union dues, and a couple other things. That leaves 28. Subtract 6 for rent and 6 for food/gas. That leaves me about $16,000 to try to save toward a $100,000 house and an $80,000 student loan. But then even that 16 disappears. I don't know where it goes really. Let me think.
tithe/charity $5000
gifts for people $2000
impulsive clothes shopping $1000
meds/vitamins/herbs $1000
car insurance $600
phone $600
netflix $100
Okay, so I guess I could be saving about $5,000 or so each year. Then I could maybe put a down payment on a house in 10 years, when I'm 45 and too old for any man to love me.
But maybe if I have a nice house he will.
I watched a documentary called Freedom to Fascism recently. It made me realize I was a deceived slave, tricked into thinking I'm free. But I'm not. I may as well go live in North Korea.
I went through the drive through again yesterday and bought another sundae with extra hot fudge. It was late and dark and I should have gone to bed instead. What a loser I am. I just wanted it so bad I couldn't think straight. I ended up making an obnoxious effort to get it. In my mouth. Now.
I digress. I haven't had another grand mal seizure since September. The seizure medication seems to be helping. Go figure. I was wrong about healing myself through nutrition and wishful thinking. I have this strange feeling like everything might start coming together soon. Maybe it's a 7 year cycle thing though. I'll turn 35 this August.
My seizure medication was expensive when I started taking it - $144/month through Rite Aid. And that was the generic! Then I switched to Walmart and it was $75/month. Then I made some phone calls to my HR department and found out I was mistakenly never mailed my prescription coverage insurance card, good for CVS pharmacies only. Now I use CVS mail-order scripts and pay $15 every three months and the seizure meds are shipped to me.
I'm considered an epileptic now. I was approved for free rides in a handicap van. Sunlight makes me dizzy so I'll have to start using that as the days get longer and brighter. I was told I wouldn't have to pay a fee. My blind friend Josh uses the same handicap van but it's not free for him. He has to pay $4 per stop.
Yes, the world is going to end.
I hate the word epilepsy. Instead of studying this unique gift I have to travel in and out of consciousness, they call it a disease and make me pay for medication to make it go away.
My pastor here in RI cites research studies in his sermons sometimes that support what the bible teaches about how to live our lives and treat people. At my first AA meeting I was told that in order to overcome addiction, I had to believe in God.
And it's in the big blue book an old man gave me at my first meeting, when I was 7 days sober from alcohol, probably for only the second time in my entire adult life. A lady sitting next to me pulled a gold coin out of her pocket, and slipped it into my hand. The coin said 24-hours-sober. When it was my turn to share, I was really honest with the group. I told them I wasn't really an alcoholic, but was there to watch and learn.
Which I was and did.
I never even decided to quit drinking. I just decided I might not want it anymore, when I woke up from a grand mal seizure last September. And I still haven't gotten a craving.
I've gotten bored though, and that's dangerous. Blogging, sleeping, and cleaning incessantly have ironically kept me pretty sane. Having a full-time job helps, and part-time friends, and lots of alone time with Netflix and something I'll call Lilo. I'm not always looking happy. But I still have joy inside somehow. I'm more content on a bad day single than I ever was on a good day with my ex.
I had to be alone with myself. I had to get to know me. Focus on my own flaws. Learn to be gentle on myself. Learn to love myself and treat my self with kindness. I think that's how I justify eating McDonald's sundaes sometimes.
My RI pastor cited a research study that showed married couples who waited for marriage before having sex reported being happier overall after 20 years and again after 40 years of marriage, compared to couples who didn't wait for sex. The ones who waited also had a lower divorce rate.
I haven't seen or dated anyone seriously in the past 5 years. It will be 5 years this April since I left my past life. And since then the remembrances I tried to cling onto. All gone now. I feel like I can breathe again.
The guys I met on a dating website last Spring were all losers. Except one guy named Steve. He is the one who encouraged me to go to AA meetings when I decided to give up drinking. He must have known how hard it would be, even for the occasional social drinker.
My landlord was the biggest loser of all. He finally installed a CO detector 2 weeks ago, though I started mentioning it almost a year ago. The old one kept beeping. I'm limited to a small space heater and a gas kitchen stove and the entire shared third floor wreaks of propane. I try to open windows sometimes but he checks on the house, since he pays the electric bill. He even walks into my room some days, maybe to check on his hidden cameras, I don't know. I'm creeped out though. I told him I'd be out by the end of June.
Whatev. I needed a cheap place to move into fast last spring and he offered to help. Beggars can't be choosers.
My 96 year old grandmother is still living with my parents temporarily while her frozen pipes problem is being fixed. They had to take out her entire dining room ceiling. I hope the carpenters moved all her nice rugs out of the construction zone and kept dust out of the other rooms by hanging up plastic over the doorways. I hope they aren't getting her nice hardwood floors all scraped up with salt that sticks to the bottom of work boots in winter.
Grandma speaks highly of those handymen however. Grandma. She will probably outlive us all.
