It was around New Year's at the turn of 2014-2015, and I was curious about this online dating thing I was not participating in. It had been 4 years since I dated anybody. And I was ready to be with somebody again.
Match.com Profile Version 1 , January '15
I signed up for a free trial of Match about two years ago but never followed through with paying for a membership. I haven't dated anyone in about three years. I was engaged to my only boyfriend of 10 years but we called it quits in 2011. Now I teach high school English in Providence and also write a blog. I have a few close friends but for the most part I am a homebody. I enjoy spending time in the kitchen, baking bread and molasses cookies, along with quiches, Thai green curry, Caesar salads (with homemade croutons), and roasted veggies. I try to eat clean. I love fruit. I start each day with a seaweed shake called Enerfood and I practice yoga on my own. I enjoy movies, walks on the beach, trying new cuisine, and playing the piano. I should mention that my dad pastors a church in Upstate NY and I grew up learning about the bible and God, and my relationship with God pretty much governs all my decisions in life. I'm not a "party girl" and I'm often in bed by 9. Anyone looking for a casual hook-up need not contact me. I'm really just opening myself up here to friendship and whatever that may lead to.
Within 24 hours, I had more than 30 emails from men interested in dating me. I sorted through all their profiles, mainly looking at age, photos, divorced/kids status, income, and religion. In about that order. I responded "Sorry, no thanks" in some kind of polite way to each of the following kinds of men:
1. Men who post topless selfies, often showing off tattoos and/or muscles
2. Men who post pictures of themselves at bars and/or in bed
3. Men who have long hair on one side of their head because they cropped their ex-girlfriend out of the picture
4. Men who are over 50
5. Men who are fat slobs, especially if they have tattoos
6. Men with long mustaches and/or beards
7. Men who are obviously lying about their age
8. Men who ride motorcycles
9. Men with tattoos
10. Men who don't fill out the categories of "Faith" and "Occupation" and "Income"
I'll admit it. I do care about how much a guy makes. I want to make sure I'm taken care of if we get married and it doesn't work out.
If you're Stanley or Jared and you're reading this, I'm kidding. Of course. And to everyone else reading, I had my first date yesterday with someone I'll call Stanley.
First Match.com date:
After emailing back and forth on match.com a few times during the holidays, and never exchanging personal numbers or emails, Stanley and I finally met up at a bakery near my neighborhood. It was a snowy Saturday afternoon. The cafe was warm and it smelled of chocolate and fresh bread. The floor was wet from people's boots. The store-front windows invited a lot of snow-reflected sunshine inside.
As I walked in and looked for someone who resembled Stanley's online profile, a friend of mine saw me and high fived me. I felt super cool that Stanley had probably seen this, and then I realized he had, as he stood up to wave me over as I walked on after making very small small talk.
My friend, I'll call him Patrick, is a really cool guy. He rents out to other single 30's professionals in his large eastside home. They live communally and throw great parties. Parties with games. Patrick is a gamer. For work, he actually designs prototypes for Hasbro toy company!
Wait am I supposed to be dating Patrick?
Stanley waved me over. He sat on a bench and I sat at a little chair across from him. There was a long line so we sat and chatted for a while first.
My ex and I went out a lot. Bars, restaurants, cafe's, family dinners. We did a lot sitting and talking with forks in our hands. We grew comfortable together.
I wrote a melody about my ex the other day in my car while driving and a few tears came out, but I think they were the last ones. The lyrics were "I left my heart in Matunuck Island, I left my baby by the sea, I left a piece of my heart inside his, now I'm incomplete... I left my heart on Matunuck Island, A pier of gold and a pile of stones, (then singing higher): I left my heart on the bottom, of the great unknown."
So here I was on a date for the first time since dating my ex for the first time 14 years ago.
I cringe even typing the word date. I'm going to have to get over that if I'm blogging about my single dating life now. Date Date Date Date Date date date date date date.
I took off my long poofy black jacket and white fleece hat, and apologized to Stanley for my hair being wet.
I didn't mention I'd gone to 2 back-to-back yoga classes that morning and took a long 30 minute shower afterwords in which I did more yoga poses as I bent and twisted and squatted to shave some very neglected areas on my body just on the off chance I had a medical emergency or spilled my hot drink all over my lap and Stanley had to tear off my pants - not that that would happen - but in case it did, I didn't want to haunt him with images of my ape-like bikini lines.
Stanley was easy to talk to. He was successful, a non-drinker, listened to a christian radio station, surfed, and actually looked a little bit like Ty Pennington, who I used to have a massive crush on. (Then I learned he might be gay).
Stanley and I split after 90 minutes and I walked him to his truck since it was on the way to my car. We exchanged numbers and he gave me a hug. We had a second date a few weeks later, which consisted of a Sunday morning drive along the coast, watching the waves and listening to a christian radio station in his truck. I felt the vibrations of a hallelujia choir going off in my heart as well, thinking this guy could be the one for me. I wanted it to work.
But then I kept thinking he'd be more content with a more outgoing athletic girl. Stanley surfs and is in really great shape. I'm less of a thrill-seeker. I like to walk and do yoga. Maybe I could walk on the beach while he surfs. I could hold his towel. And maybe do a few sun salutations. We'll see. We exchanged emails after having our drinks (I had hot chocolate made with almond milk and whipped cream which kept getting stuck on my lip and I had to lick it off and I wondered if Stanley thought that was sexy, probably not).
Match.com Profile Version 2 , February '15
I signed up for a free trial of Match about two years ago but never really found anyone I was really dying to meet. But now I'm back with a more open mind and a clearer picture in my head of what I am looking for in a friend. Yes, I'm only looking for friendship and giving maybe a few friendships a chance to evolve into something more. But this will take time for me. I am in no rush to meet captain goldrush and pop out 3 kids before my ovaries begin to melt in 2 years. I'm just kidding. Not really. I haven't dated anyone since 2011 when I ended my engagement to my college sweetheart of 10 years. He really preferred the bachelor life, and Magic the Gathering, and drinking beer and I was trying to do the church thing and lose 10 lbs, ya know? He and I remained friends and made a secret agreement to get back together one day when we're 70 years old and take a walk on the beach and look for sea glass. So you have to be okay with this if you date me. I teach at a high school in Providence and also write a blog about my personal life. (Would you like to be in it? Hehehe.) I have a few close friends but for the most part I am a homebody. I enjoy spending time in the kitchen, baking bread and cookies, frying potatoes and eggs in coconut oil, and stir-frying Thai green curry sauce with either shrimp or chicken. I tried to be a vegetarian once and failed but I do source my meat now very carefully and eat it very sparingly. I have been doing yoga on and off for about five years now. My instructor told me my hips are very open, which I told myself might be good for childbearing someday. God-forbid. I should mention that my dad pastors a church in Upstate NY and I am a christian. I'm not a "party girl" and I'm often in bed by 9, at least on weeknights. Anyone looking for a casual hook-up need not contact me. I'm really just open to friendship and whatever that may lead to.
I set up a few more dates after this version was put out, but didn't meet anyone I wanted a second date with.
Match.com Profile Version 3 , March '15
Hey all you overly active men. Why don't you ditch the treadmill and run over to my house and lay on the couch and watch some t.v. with me. I can barely keep up with reading about all the activity going on in your highly active single lives! Holy cow. No wonder you're all single! Take a break. Maybe I could teach you how to relax for a minute.
Now that I've got your attention: I enjoy long walks on the beach and even longer awkward silences. I'm a high school English teacher in the city of Providence and I love my job. I have a really good relationship with my students and a strong bond with my colleagues and lots of vacation time. My job is very fulfilling, but I recently decided to start dating again. I was in a long-term relationship with my college sweetheart during all of my 20's, but we parted ways 3 years ago and it's taken about that long to heal and feel ready to move on.
I'm ready to meet someone who is interested in friendship and whatever that may lead to.
I believe God has someone in mind for me, and while I'm very content being single, I believe there is more to life than just being content. I am in no rush to meet captain Goldrush and pop out 3 kids before my ovaries begin to melt in 2 years, but I do realize that time and tide wait for no man, and that God helps those who help themselves.
I come from a bible-believing family. I'm not a "party girl" and I'm often in bed by 9, at least on weeknights. Not a big drinker but I'm not legalistic about it. My co-workers and I joke about drinking. We have agreed to use alcohol medicinally, not socially. So I won't pretend I'm an anti-beer prude, but I do have values and beliefs that conflict with the kind of lifestyle many single people my age buy into.
Please reach out if you think we'd connect on some level (even if just as friends -- I am totally open to friendship with no expectations beyond that). I've only met 3 people on Match since joining in December, so don't take it personally if I don't respond right away. I get too many winks, likes, and messages weekly to respond to everyone though I do make a conscious effort to follow up with reading profiles. Generally, I will respond to men who are close with their family, and demonstrate some sense of verbal intelligence as judged by what they write in their profile and what they write to me. As petty as it may sound, I never reach out or respond to men that have multiple spelling/grammar errors in what they write. UNLESS they are from another country and have a sexy accent to compensate:).
And this version got me lots of attention. Amongst that, an immediate compliment from a very attractive Indian man whose profile said he lived in Florida. He was a local public figure in my city and was hiding from other single locals. Match.com allows you to be hidden from searches for an extra small fee. I do it now too. I control who I allow to see my profile.
This Indian man was seductive and intriguing and breathtaking - a few emails back and forth - a date the next night and the 2 consecutive nights - and I was intoxicated with infatuation. It lasted a month, and when he let me go, like a faithful employee whose position had been cut, I grieved for 3 hours. The next day I set out on a mission to find another Indian man, also with an elitist British/Indian accent, an eargasmic, euphonious tonality, a six-pack, a defined jaw line, and a sophisticated linguistic palette. And I found several!
In the subsequent 2 months, I dated 7 more Indian men. It was rather time consuming and exhausting to work all this out, but it was worth it. They're respective fake names are: Raj-Arun-Jared-Tom-Dev-Dinesh-Bandi)
3 of these 7 got nothing more than a hug.
4 got kisses.
2 got my heart.
1 of these 2 wants and open relationship.
Other wants a serious relationship.
1 knows about the Other but the Other doesn't know about the 1.
It's complicated, but naturally I'm focusing more of my energy on the guy who wants a serious relationship.
The first Indian I dated, Kevin, is now my landlord. Our arrangement is platonic and friendly. I like it. I'm happy.
